27. LAUGH 1

When I was a little boy, I used to be really afraid of the dark..

Every single night I would have nightmares, each one more horrible then the last.

I would just lay there awake night after night, my mind racing.. Just knowing there is a monster that lurks in those shadows, I peer at so. 

Just waiting, with red eyes, sharp teeth, and long twisted claws... salivating at the moment it could grab me and drag me into the abyss. 

Of course that was just a child’s imagination, as we all know there is no such thing as monsters. 

Right...?

But as I grew up the fear was still there, I soon learned that monsters do exist.. They exist in the hearts of all humanity. 

I realized they do not have sharp teeth, long claws, or red eyes. 

Because now when I peer into the darkness.. I see an even more frightening monster.

I see myself. 

That cold infinite darkness taken form, We have the same shell, but that what lies within is foreign.

He was once like me, physically and mentally.. But the call of the void was too great to resist.

I do not know what name would fit, I don’t know if it even has a use for one. 

But regardless of what you call it, it is here... and it LAUGHS. 

It laughs because no matter what you do, it is there and is a part of us all.

Its horror is great, it whispers in my ear its dark thoughts and what it could easily do. What WE should do. 

It tells me to take my hate, my rage, my sadness, my resentment, and use them as my fuel.

Fuel to cut the restraints.. To tear off the chains that have held back my wrath and devastation.  

It would be satisfying... 

So satisfying. 

But NO. I tell myself, this being... Is a wrong thing. A crime against nature and God himself. 

A cosmic horror that has emerged from our darkest nightmare to consume all that we love. 

In light of all this, I desperately think of how to stop it.. 

I shamefully admit, I have considered the worst. 

I have thought about sending myself to a cold oblivion...

If that is what it would take to be rid of It. 

Then so be it.

But wait, what does it think of that plan?

IT LAUGHS.

It laughs.. Because IT cannot be scared of what it wants.  

Damn.

I have always been good at reading people, almost like I can see into the hearts of others.

When I peer into my own heart.. Beyond the shell I put up, I can see an immense caring for all those around me, a soft innocence deep inside crying out to be loved.. Yearning for more. 

But when I peer into the very being of this creature... 

I see that it has no heart. 

No feelings such as compassion or love. 

This monster just knows agony and death. 

Communication is mixed.. 

“Who are you?” I ask.

He replies:

“I’m everything that was taken from you”

“I’m everything you never had” 

“I’m the immeasurable pain of both those two feelings combined and so much more.” 

“I’m that immense pain molded into a weapon.”

“And that weapon is HATE.”

...

When I was a child, I would feel joy when the sun came up. 

Because that meant the chance for a brighter day, another chance to get away from the monsters that lurked in the dark, and now a days.. Another chance to avoid becoming him. 

But how long can it last?

Until my flesh becomes his, and that even the sun cannot stop the darkness. 

It took me a long time to realize.. I’m not the only one with this conflict. 

We all have our own version of the same creature, whether we like it or not. 

We all have a MONSTER inside. 

The only difference, is whether we are aware enough to see it..

And if we are strong enough to fight it, or give into it and surrender to despair. 

For me, even though every single day that barrier separating us is chipped at constantly. 

I persevere and embrace my flawed but loving and compassionate n self, no matter how much the void calls to me.. I cannot answer. 

But I know he waits there in the abyss, patiently waiting.. I’m compelled to ask: “What do you want?”

He replies:

“My brother I want you to be who you should be, who you could be, who I know you WANT to be..

“To stop begging for the meaningless scraps of life, to abandon all those who have forsaken you.”

“I want you to rise. I want you strike back against those who have cursed you. I want you to unleash your RAGE until all those who have hurt you are reduced to ash beneath your feet, and the hollow life you knew dissolves into nothing but cosmic dust.”

“But above all else.. Most importantly Brother.”

“I want you to LAUGH.”

...

I reply:

“You offer me dreams, but I know you are just a Nightmare.”

“Your vengeful hate doesn’t appeal to me, and my ‘hollow life’ may not be much.. But its better then a life of hate.”

“I know that you are essential, the yin to my yang, and a balance must always be the goal.”

“While you may be a part of me, you will never be all of me. Not while I can still help it.”

“But who knows, maybe you will WIN one day and gain full control. But then our roles would switch, and I would be your monster in the dark wouldn’t I? YOUR nightmare. Maybe.. I already am?”

“Regardless, most importantly, above all else.. My brother.”

“I do plan on LAUGHING.”

“When I’m at the top of Eternity at long last, surrounded by my loved ones..”

“I will LAUGH at those who cursed me, I will LAUGH at YOU... and I will LAUGH at MYSELF.”

“Because when you can LAUGH at yourself and the darkness inside.”

“You WIN.”

Heh.