34. Here Is My Truth

It’s time.

Time to stop lying to myself, and denying the reality of what I am.

I have always had a bad habit of penting how I feel up, even to myself. 

I dont really know why, maybe it has always been an adaptation to the harshness of life.

Maybe it was a way of me trying to be the better person.. 

Or maybe it was a way to let it all fester and grow into something far worse. 

I have no idea, but the Pandemic and as well as other issues.. 

Has really changed my chemistry. 

They have finally forced me to confront it. 

I have seen myself truly become a being of duality. 

With me as their anchor. 

Two sides constantly at war for who will emerge in control.

And I am their helpless pawn. 

Most days I’m able to keep it balanced.. 

Most days. 

But there are some days...

Some days I want to just hug everyone and tell them I love them, that tomorrow will be a brighter day and to never give up. That things will always get better, no mater what. The gift of life is one to cherish forever and ever, you need only open your heart to it.

Then.. There are days where I just HATE everyone and everything... including myself. That a meteor suddenly obliterating us all would be doing the universe a favor, ending this false charade that is life. 

Those two..

I have written about them many times..

My awakened self, perfect, loving, compassionate.. The loving light of my heart.

And his opposite, imperfect, hateful, heartless.. The laughing darkness in my soul.

Back when there was a semblance of normal life. 

They lived within me, dormant in relative balance. 

It was never perfect back then, but it was stable.. It was enough to keep them in check. 

But now, in the apocalypse that is 2020.. Their “symptoms” increase more and more. 

My two cosmic brothers.

Unbound and unleashed..

...

Joy is his gift.

And hatred his weapon.

His smile brings you love.

His grin brings you fear.

He wants to build a better world for you and I, so that you may prosper.

While he wants to laugh as your world is reduced to rubble under his feet.. Hah.

They are at my door, waiting for me to open.. 

Waiting patiently.

...

I just want to live.

I sometimes get so tired of them.

Tired of it all.

I don’t want to feel like I’m in a tug of war.

I want to feel NORMAL. 

Or nothing at all. 

But can it be helped?

As long as there is turmoil going on, these two will fluctuate. 

They will battle for dominance.

Tell me.. why do I feel like this? 

Why must I endure this?

You feel like this because you are STRONG. Few others could have the strength that you do. Though you endured so much, you will know happiness one day soon. Embrace the radiance of love and the warmth of joy, they will never steer you wrong. Remember.. You will be repaid back infinitely more then you have had taken from you, and I will be there at the gates of Eternity to hand it to you. Never give up.. Brother.

/

Heh, you feel like that because you are WEAK. You are truly pathetic. When will you and everyone else realize it’s pointless? There is nothing to look forward to, because there is no hope. The human experience has proven, that all there is.. Is pain, death and tears. Surrender.. Let the darkness consume you, become the darkness, with hate as your weapon and rage your envoy. You must take what you want, not blindly wait for something that will never come. You know you want too... “Brother” Hah!

Is that it?

Are these my choices? 

As much as I wish there were different circumstances. I know I must make it work, there must be a BALANCE. 

Because I now know you are here to stay... But damnit so am I.

Wait, of course.

I now finally know why I feel like this..

I feel like this because I’m HUMAN. 

I am a human beast, we are imperfect and flawed. But like the animals we are, we adapt and grow fast. 

This is my blessing and my curse.

And the faster I accept it, the faster I can live with them in balance. 

They are both a part of me and always will be, and they will fight forever. 

Though I must struggle for years to come.. I will never struggle alone. 

Today is that day I proclaim to the world:

I am a MAN.

I am the PRIME brother.

A being of immense love and hate.

My complete self is what I offer you.

What do you get when you mix love and hate? 

An infallible weapon, my weapon. 

And my weapon is TRUTH. 

Here is my truth..

“I hold a beast, an angel, and a madman in me.” -Dylan Thomas