37. Tribute To Our Mental Health

 

Do you remember...

How it felt to feel safe? 

How it felt to feel happy? 

How it felt to feel love?

How it felt to feel anything..

Anything, but what you feel now?

In the midst of an apocalyptic viral pandemic.. From its festering womb.

It birthed another pandemic.

An abomination. A monster.

But this monster would not feast on our bodies as the first did, it would feast on our hearts, minds... And souls. 

No mask could save us from this beast. 

This assault on our mental health, spans not only one year as of this writing.. But many years.

Some.. Our entire lives. 

It wasn’t always this dark.. 

We must hold onto those pleasant moments.

Like when you first kissed.

When you hugged someone tighter then ever before.

When you saw the sunrise and the promise of a brand new day.

When you felt more loved then you ever thought possible..

Once..

It was so bright.. 

It blinded us. 

Blinded us to the pain in our heart.

The ache in our soul.

And the degradation of our mind. 

After all this..

Still we persevere. 

Something keeps most of us in the realm of the living. 

Even after seeing our loved ones get sick.

Even after seeing them die..

Experiencing crushing loneliness, cabin fever, and a loss of the life you once knew.

After seeing the world you loved turn into nothingness. 

Tell me...

What keeps you here? 

Why do you keep going?

Let me tell you my reasons.

For me, I have some hidden hope..

Hope for a brighter tomorrow. 

Because as I have written before.. I have dined at the table of God’s. 

I have connected and known the love of the universe. 

I have experienced, if even just a little.. The ecstasy of how life SHOULD be, how it COULD be, and God willing.. How it WILL be. 

My insatiable hunger to finally obtain that life I believe I am destined to have, is why I wake up everyday. 

A wise man once wrote.. One day, for all I have suffered, for all that was taken from me..

I will be paid back INFINITELY more than what I have suffered. 

That is why I still breathe right now.

That infallible belief, it is what I hold onto.

But when things get.. Difficult.

There are times where I forget this..

Times where I just hate everyone around me, including myself.

Especially myself...

Where my sadness is suffocating. 

As a man you are trained to pent it up and hold it all “IN”... But that just makes it worse.

I think, whats the point of suffering like this? Nobody truly cares. 

This pain is too great, let my life be extinguished... Let it all be over. 

Let me return to nothingness.

...

But then a mysterious force always reminds me.. 

“Are you going to wait to be paid back so much more, or is your pain so great that you are going to give up now? 

Tell me. 

What are you going to do?”

...

I’m not deaf to the mental anguish of others, if there is one thing I am, it’s compassionate. I always put myself in others shoes..

Some of you are cursed with Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Depression, OCD, Anxiety, or Trauma from the past, and so much more.

You all are hurting.. Some because of people you once trusted and loved long ago. 

I can sense it.

I can feel it. 

I can feel you.. 

Mentally ill or not. This world was not built for the mind you and I have, and its 100x worse now that the world is being consumed by disease and death. 

Some of your pain isn’t even caused from within, but from external sources.

Maybe you have a loved one in pain.

Maybe you have a loved one who has left this plane of existence..

Sometimes the pain of loved ones, becomes your pain... Because you care about them. 

You see..

All this anguish.

Takes its toll.

This stress, hopelessness, sadness, anger, hate and more..

Has made us all darker versions of ourselves.

I have seen it all around me, the darkness in our hearts starting to consume us.

Including the darkness in mine.

The decay and breakdown of our mental state, has revealed many aspects of ourselves we never even knew existed..

Some of us.. Have that child like innocence in us, pure, crying out to be loved, and wanting to be whole. 

To be held and be told they are loved and they will never be abandoned. To never be let go... Please.

Then there are those of us that discovered that our pain, has evolved into a being of pure darkness.. Angry, hateful, and suffering.. 

They want to share that suffering with the entire world, because they believe their pain.. Is still greater then ours. 

And your pain..

Feels infinite. 

Doesn’t it? 

...

It all just seems like too much.. No more. 

Sometimes, you just cant take it anymore.

But I beseech you.. You must hang on. 

There is still so much to life, to see and experience. 

I know you are in pain.. I’m in pain as well.

And its scary, pain is the most terrifying thing you can experience..

I know.. The only thing that annoys me more then overly negative people, are overly “just stay positive people”.. Both are empty and are of no true help.

No.. I offer you more quality darker advice. 

Pain and suffering is inevitable.

Fear is always creeping in.

But instead of letting them tear you down..

Use them as your fuel, to light your fire.

The fire of the RAGE in your heart.

That burning PASSION and LUST to live. 

To experience the wonders of the world and UNIVERSE. 

All that.

It all resides in you.

Though we are destined to suffer physically and mentally.. 

We too are destined for SO MUCH MORE. 

More. 

What that more is.. 

Is up to you to find out.

...

I know, its going to take more then some nice words to help some of you.. 

I don’t blame you, once again I’m in the same boat. 

If only it was that easy.. Right? 

If only. 

But let this at least steer you in the right direction. 

Let it give you some kind of hope.

Let it make you aware... That you aren’t alone. 

We are all in this together, our mental anguish is shared amongst us all. 

Remember back..

Your childhood was tough, not because you didn’t deserve the love of those around you..

BUT BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T DESERVE YOUR LOVE.

This past year, our whole lives... Have taken everything from us. 

Don’t let it take YOU from us. 

Yes you.. Born from the cosmos and the God of Eternity. 

You are my brother.

&

You are my sister. 

We are from the same cosmic family. 

You are not a mistake, your birth was written in the stars themselves. 

Just as mine was.. 

And just as atoms that make up our mind and body, will return to the stars one day.

One day... 

When we are repaid back INFINITELY more. 

...

Duality is the heart of every being.

There is always two choice you must choose from everyday. 

And when it comes to mental health.. There are many sides to it. 

I’m going to give you the option to choose happiness or despair, joy or anguish, life or...  Nothingness. 

Think long and hard. Then scroll below for your choice, and read it *loudly* to yourself. 

Yes you the reader, read your choice out loud to yourself. Please. 

After that, what happens is up to you. 

vvv

*1. Mid-Way down: Positive outlook

*2. At very bottom: Negative outlook

Look deep into your heart.

Tell me...

What are you going to do? 

*1.

I will keep going. 

I will not be broken.

I will know the wonders of LIFE.

As long as I still draw breath.. I will LIVE.

I am everything and forever, and I will not squander that. 

Besides, I must be doing something right...

I’m not dead yet. 

*2.

I stare into nothingness.

And I see myself.

I look into myself and I weep...

There’s nothing there.

Because I’m nothing. 

Nothing.