42. The Darkness That Stares

 

It has haunted me since I was a small child.

It follows me everywhere I go.

It is there whenever I breathe.

I see it in my shadows.

I see it when it moves on its own.

It is in my peripheral vision.

It feels like its breathing down the back of my neck.

It is everywhere…

Even… In my mind.

I feel this shadow, this darkness.. It is a foul creature.

A giant black mass of dead and putrid smog, living formless darkness born from the space that lays under the universe that has never known light or love.

Its has no form.

But an UNform. 

Behind all the fear and terror, I cant shake the feeling.. Of something familiar? Something more? I don’t know..

For so long I have been terrified of this thing, whenever I would sense it near…

I would always retreat to the safety of my blanket as a kid..

Always fearing it would grab me, devour me and drag me into hell itself.

But for some reason.. All it would do is stare… Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

And stare.

At times, I could have sworn I saw a grin.. 

A dark soul piercing grin… 

It would send a shiver up my spine. 

This thing must be EVIL incarnate. All I could do for so long, is hide or run away from it…

But I knew it would never stop. 

It all would never end.

I had to do something.

Something different.

I have to get over my fear and face this damned thing..

I have to face this monster and deal with whatever comes from it..

I wonder what will happen….?

…

I waited until it was late at night, almost pitch black. It had to be this way. 

I was alone.

I got out a chair and put it in the middle of a pitch black room. 

I sat in the chair and I waited.

Peering out into the dark.

Like a sitting duck, waiting for my end to come.

There were no blankets to hide under this time…

*STOMP*

I was startled by a loud sound, almost like a large boot stomping… 

It happened so fast, I almost wondered did I imagine that? Did that really happen? 

*STOMP STOMP*

Then I heard two more loud stomps, and closer this time.. Guess that answers my questions. 

My heart started to race, hands started to sweat… It never made these sounds before. 

Looks like things were indeed different this time.

“Come on you basta-“

*STOMP STOMP STOMP*

Three more loud stomps, they felt seemingly feet away.. I felt fear beyond all measure.. I feel like I was going to have a heart attack. 

Then I look to my right.. At the doorway. 

I felt my stomach fall, I was sweating bullets.. I felt frozen, paralyzed in my terror.

It was standing right there in the door way.. 

This massive formless mass of cosmic darkness and abyss.

I could see almost smoke like plumes emanating from its being.. 

Quietly.. It just stood there, staring at me. With no discernible features. 

I was still frozen in fear, seemingly glued to my chair in the pitch black room.. My mouth trembled as I try to open it.. I did not know wether to say something, stay quiet... Or scream. 

It took all my bravery and strength to mutter this weak miss  of a sentence..

“Oh God… Wh… Why do you follow me everywhere? What do you want from me?!”

I don’t know if it heard me… I don’t even know if it’s capable of hearing or understanding me.. 

But then something happened. 

Its dark mass started moving… 

Towards me.

From its lover form, its black corruption grew and expanded more and more towards me..

It did not walk, it seemly glided along the floor.. Almost floating. Closer and closer to me. 

The dread and fear I felt, could never be put into words… Because there are no words for it.. I thought, is this it? 

As it almost arrived to me, I contemplated getting up and running, escaping, screaming.. Something! 

But my body, my soul.. Wouldn’t let me. I was frozen in place in that damned chair, like some kind of force was holding me there. I couldn’t move if my life depended on it..

I look up… There it is, my shadow, my curse.. 

Face to face with me. 

At this point my fear as turned into a numbing almost maddening tremble, my hair must have been white as snow now.

I stare at this black mass… Mere inches from my face. 

All I can see in it.. Is infinite darkness. 

But in all honesty, infinite is too small of a word for what I see.

This is an endless void where nothing that lives could exist… Where my fate might be.

There we stay still for moment, that lasts a thousand years in my head. 

But then it stars moving.. The area where the head would be, its changing.. Morphing. Taking shape. 

I was in a mixture of fear, disgust, and awe at what I was seeing.. What is going on?

Finally the face was taking shape, It looked like…

ME.

IT LOOKED LIKE ME. 

This monster, ghost, demon, or whatever it is.. Its face turned into a exact replication of mine.

Well not exactly the same.

This face, dark and gray.. No life to be found, dead looking. It had completely black eyes, eyes that look right into your soul and beyond. 

I saw that because it was staring right at me, with those piercing black eyes.. It was like staring into a mirror of darkness. I felt hypnotized.

Then.. It’s facial expression changed, it went from a blank expression.. To an almost sad solemn look.

It’s dead lips, shook.. As if it was close to breaking down.

It almost seemed like it was about… To cry.

At the same time I felt this heart crushing wave of sadness consume me.. Whatever this thing was doing, it was making me feel it too.

It felt hopeless, depressed, confused, almost sickened at how sad I felt. 

I could feel the tears coming down from my cheeks and my eyes… Seemingly faucets now. 

I cringed for a second and looked away, wiping my eyes as fast as I can. 

As I looked back up to view our visitor..

I saw that it also had tears streaming down its face as it stared at me.. 

I was horrified and saddened as I saw this, was it mimicking me or influencing me? I had no idea but I was confused.

Then the thought came into my head.. For as filled with fear as I was, I wanted to reach out to it. 

I had to feel the familiar face of this creature..

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

I reached out my right hand to it.. Neither of us ever breaking eye contact the entire time.

My hand reaches its face, my index finger.. Touching its cheek, just as its tear hits my hand..

Its all so cold.. Icy cold.

Cold and lifeless. 

Hollow.. Or is it?

Then all of the sudden this darkness.. Its facial expression changes.

Its sad solemn look.. Turns into a angry scowl. 

It looks mad… It looks of pure HATRED. 

Oh no. 

I pull my hand away and wretch my self back into my chair as hard as I can.

The monster suddenly starts to shake or tremble and from its sides.. Long black shriveled arms start to grow from its mass, with razor sharp nails and dead veins. 

It slowly reaches into the middle of its black bodily mass, and it literally starts to rip itself open from the middle outward.. 

And from that opening and tearing of its own mass.. Long serrated tendrils and gashing mouths filled with hundred of gnawing teeth appear. Dark red blood pouring from every part of it. 

It must be changing forms and or even showing its true form, it is a ghastly thing to observe. 

What I see now. 

Abomination is the only word that could ever hope to describe it. 

This dark entity, made of void, tendrils and teeth.. Stood before me, wanting to tear me limb from limb.

At this point, madness inducing fear has reduced me to a rocking back and forth praying shell of a person.. 

But still I cannot run or scream, my only escape.. Is insanity.

It then with its long monstrous arms.. Reaches out and grabs both shoulders with each of its arms… Almost to hold me in place. 

Tendrils wrapping around me and the chair, we cant move a single finger. 

Its bone crushing strength and freezing touch, make it a quite painful experience.

Then it pulls its dark eldritch mass closer to me and makes its face mere inches from mine..

This has to be it.

This is where it all ends. 

If truly is it.. Then let it be.

I cant take this anymore. 

Let this darkness take my life. 

And be done with it…

…

…

“StArInG iNtO dArKnEsS iS sTaRiNg iNtO yOuRsElf.”

“I aM yOuR dArKnEsS.”

“AnD I aM YOUR pAiN.”

What?!

I break out of my madness inducing trance. 

This thing spoke to me, for the first time in my entire life!

What does it mean by that? Staring into darkness is staring into myself?

It is still mere inches from my face, but it is still now.. Almost like the most horrifying statue ever made. 

Maybe.. It was more of a request then a statement, maybe thats what I need to do.

Stare into its darkness… To see my pain. 

Fine..

I raise my head, open my eyes wide.. And meet its cold dead eyes in an almost stare down. 

I peer into its eyes and into oblivion.. Just as it peers into mine.

The room starts to blur and reality itself warps.. 

IT is gone, the dark room no more..

I’m in a new place, a room not from this universe. 

I can see many almost monitor screen like visions.. all across the vast expanse. What are they?

I focus on them.. 

They are all various memories of my life.. Dark and painful memories. 

I see them all replayed like recordings..

My first heart break, my depression, my first family death, me struggling in school, being bullied in school, my financial struggles, me losing my parents, my suicidal thoughts… And so much more. 

All memories I have long since repressed and pent up. Ones that I have tried to erase from my mind forever. 

But as I can see.. They can never be escaped.

My God. I understand now!

This being of darkness, that's haunted me my entire life..

It is the physical manifestation of a life time of agony..

MY agony. 

That I had blocked out, pent up, and erased from my mind entirely.

Well not entirely..

Instead they stalked me, the shadow of my past following my every step.

I thought I could escape it.

Now and only now do I realize.. 

I can never escape my past. 

Never.

Ever.

Now.. It was going to devour me. 

Then drag me to hell, kicking and screaming.

And it was all my fault…

…

“pLEaSeee sTop… OuR PaIn..”

I hear in a groaning voice.

Its right. 

I must stop this.

It cannot end like this.

I have been through too much to let it end like this. 

I pull myself back and escape the dimension of memories..

Back into the dark room, face to face with the living abyss… MY living abyss. 

It stands back, retreating its teeth and tendrils, and takes its original shadow mass form with my face as its own.. 

Staring at me.

I still, terror filled and half driven insane.. But determined.. Stand up from my chair.

We stare at each other at equal height.. I gather all that is left of my courage and sanity and I proclaim..

“I ran, hid, and escaped from you my entire life… To get away from a past too horrible to accept. But I’m not doing that anymore. You are my pain taken form, and I inadvertently created that pain. You are the part of me I cut off and threw away.. But I could not get rid of you that easily. I thought of you a monster, demon, fiend… But I was the true monster here all along. 

I CREATED THE HAUNTING MYSELF.

I AM THE SOURCE OF OUR PAIN.

I AM EVERY SINGLE MEMORY THAT PLAYED IN THAT TWISTED ROOM. 

AND AS I LOOK UNTO MY OWN DEAD EYES I KNOW NOW..

I AM THE DARKNESS THAT STARES.”

…

I suddenly start to lift my right arm.. 

I reach out and open my hand and palm to the beast.

Right as I did that.. Its stretched its own long decrepit dark right arm, opens its hand and reaches out to mine. 

Our hands finally meet.

At first its cold dead hands almost hurt to hold.

But it feels familiar, it feels like it was meant to be. 

I knew it was time.. 

Time to merge and become one.

For that part of me to return home.

I was ready.

I cracked a grin.. And my shadow self also did.

While that happened, its shadow like body started to almost smoke.. Like it was breaking apart. 

The dark smog like substance.. Started to form around me, like it was encompassing my entire being.

It then seemed to enter into my skin and body.

The original form was getting smaller and smaller.. As we combined.

As the last if its black smoke like mass dissipated, I knew it was complete..

We were finally one.

I felt different, I felt whole.. 

I felt complete.

I stood there, in that dark quite room..

Contemplating.  

All the memories of the past I long banished, were there now and clear.

Painful and agonizing. 

But that's okay.. I’m done trying to escape all that. 

Just like when I faced my darkness, its all something to face and overcome.. Or die trying.

At long last, I can embrace ALL that I am.

None of it would hold me back anymore.

I walk out of the dark room and go to the bathroom, and turn on the light.

I stare into the mirror at myself.

…

“Staring into darkness is staring into yourself.

But staring into yourself.

Is staring into the light.

In the light, there is no pain.

Only peace.”

I once again, crack another grin and proclaim while staring at my reflection..

“And now… I am your pEaCe.”