47. The Left Hand Is Darkness

With this left hand I reach out into that dreamscape and touch the void. 

I am flooded with thoughts and memories.

Of strength, judgment, pain, conflict and torment. 

For the left hand is darkness.

Because it channels the dark of the world.

And the one that emerges when we sleep.

You see..

I have two kinds of nightmares.

The first kind have terrifying creatures, demons, and eldritch horrors that are after me. They are trying to torture and kill me in the worst ways possible, all while I’m consumed by fear. Then I wake up.

The second kind are where I’m in a paradise like dimension.. Where all my joys and wishes are finally realized, surrounded by people that love me. I look out into that glowing sunset, and I’m truly happy and complete..

Then I wake up.

I cannot decide which nightmare is worse. 

…

In the beginning.

For so long, over the course of my entire life… My nightmares tormented me with monsters, demons, cosmic horrors, flesh eating abominations, devilish brujas, even childhood tv characters turned demonic, and so much more unspeakable darkness.

For a long time.. In my sleep.

I suffered greatly. 

It took decades, but once I started facing my fears instead of running, and fighting back. When all I could feel in my heart instead of fear… Is HATE AND RAGE.

I turned those dark emotions into strength.

And channeled that strength, into my left hand.

For the left hand is Annihilation. 

I tore those monsters apart. 

And ate their hearts. 

While that wasn’t always the case, it was most of the time. 

But unfortunately..

I swear to this day.. Something foul, supernatural or not of this world had a hand in this whole situation. The following that happened was NOT natural. 

The nightmares reacted, adapted, evolved..

One might argue, they became even worse.

Instead of just torturing me with monsters, fear, and dread.

They started torturing me with kindness. 

And they were so kind.

These “good dreams”.

They would show me the wonders and joys that I could never experience, pleasures I yearn for, to give me a glimpse of paradise incarnate. To allow me to blindly think for a moment that the dream I was in, was my reality. Only to take it away from me, when I would wake up… I was devastated. 

They were so rare in the beginning.

In my weakness.. I wanted more of them. 

MORE. 

I wanted them so bad.

Even though… I hated them even more.

But deep inside I knew they were an illusion, fake, and meaningless. 

For the left hand is Hollow.

Hollow.

Like me.

Like how I felt inside.

Hollow like an empty shell. 

…

Do you want to know how you make a person starving to death, suffer even more?

You eat a large grand feast right in front of him he cannot partake in, You dangle a steak just out of reach of him, or you give him your word, you will give him some tomorrow but never do.

Maybe even give him the smallest morsel to taste, to show him what he is missing.. 

Last, but not least.

The absolute WORST way of all to torture him is to..

Let him eat.

Let him EAT IT ALL.

Until he is so full he is about to BURST. 

LET HIM EAT LIKE A KING. 

Then for his next meal.

Give him nothing.

Nothing at all… EVER. 

That is how you kill him with “kindness”. 

Instead of only inflicting pain on his body, you inflict it on his mind as well. 

That is how you break him. 

The body can handle it, it will heal.

But any damage done to the mind, your very soul..

Those injuries are PERMANENT. 

They will never heal. 

You can only learn to live with them. 

And having paradise ripped away from me..

Over.

And over.

And over.

And over again. 

Did some damage. 

ALLOT of damage.

Damage I could never heal from.

I feel like I am cursed.

Cursed to fight against life’s horrors my entire existence, like a gladiator in a coliseum. My reward? Just another horror to fight. 

Cursed to be stuck behind the locked gates of heaven, forever watching everyone else living happily ever after. 

Cursed to FEEL everything.

To feel all of this.

When I wish I didn’t have to feel anything ever again. 

And worst of all.

To feel a deep white hot burning FURY.

That I pent up and never let out.

Except in my dark nightmares. 

From this left hand of fury.

So I almost missed my usual horrible dark monster filled nightmares. 

Because then at least I could let out some of those dark feelings… That primal rage.

For I am the avatar of fury. 

I could let out how I truly felt inside.

Anything was better then showing me the lives I should have been living… Only to take them from me. 

Then all I would feel… Is emptiness. 

While I would still have plenty of my dark nightmares, they little by little would be fewer and far between.

This had a yearning effect.

For in real life fun enjoyable times.. 

I wanted them, I craved them. 

I needed them.

I could never have enough. 

And it was never enough. 

Maybe thats another part of the curse..

I AM INSATIABLE. 

It didn’t help that my normal waking life was not a happy one. 

One might say.. I became “good times dependent”.

If you can consider it enjoyable, I needed to have it.

Is that so wrong? Who was it hurting? Or more importantly.. Who was it helping?

Me.

And if I didn’t get it.

An almost oppressive darkness would weigh me down and suck all joy from my heart. 

It would have all walls around me closing in on me, slowly suffocating and crushing me to death. 

My body would be fine, but my soul.. Would be in pain. 

I literally have to do enjoyable things to stay SANE. 

Not by choice, but by need.

For they are just a taste..

Crumbs.. Morsels that fell unto the floor.

From the divine feast of God… That I dreamt of so many times.

Down there on the floor, I had become.. A hollow feeble shell of a man.

Eagerly lapping those crumbs up. 

Living off the crumbs that fell on to the ground. 

Just to keep my mind together. 

Just to stay barley nourished.

But just barley. 

All while keeping a straight normal face.

Hiding my pain beneath the facade. 

That is the damage of a lifetime of nightmares. 

Why don’t I do something about it?

Why don’t I change it?

I never asked for any of this.

Tell me how to heal a damaged mind.

A damaged soul. 

Do you know what I have lost?

Because I was weak. 

Do you know what was taken from me?

Because I was weak.

Do you know why my own dreams tortured me?

Because I was weak.

Do you know why I was cursed?

Because the left hand is weakness.

And I was weak.

So weak.

Hah. 

I have a better question.

What do you think?

…

You would think.. How do I go on?

But just as I swore there was a dark force tormenting me and my nightmares since I was in diapers..

I also always had this feeling, that there has always been another… This hidden force or being, one of the light. That has always given me that last drop of hope, even when I think theres none left. 

Something that pushes me to keep going, even when I have no will left. 

Someone… Like a guardian angel.

Like the LORD our God.

That wont let me go. 

No matter how much I want too.

But it will let me do one thing. 

Those nightmarish horrors aren’t the only ones who can adapt, change, evolve… 

Become something new.

When I REawakened. 

From the palm of my left hand.

There it was… An anti-Genesis. 

It was not a beginning, but what was already there deep inside.. Emerged and became something better. 

The power of strength, destruction, conflict and the burning passion of this broken heart. 

A heart that cannot possibly comprehend love without pain. 

Pain I have accepted that is inevitable. 

It will always be there, somedays I can take it. Somedays I cant. 

I just want to know why? 

Why does it hurt? 

Why?

Because.

Beyond everything before me.

I see it… A balance. 

Something like a counterpart.

A counterpart to help equalize everything. 

This is only one side of the same coin.

While the left hand is darkness.

The other hand reaches out as well.

The right hand.

The one that is needed to complete us.

Let me show you..

What the right hand is.