54. INSATIABLE

 

 

Hungry.

So hungry. 

But not for food.

For so much more. 

Hungry for all the pleasures and joys that life has to offer.

I want to experience and feel it all, until I cannot take any more. 

And then indulge some more.

I once wanted to feel nothing.

Now, I want to feel it all.

I want to feel good.

As much as I possibly can.

Why?

…

Long ago..

I did allot of soul searching.

I opened my mind and heart to the cosmos.

Wanting answers about myself and my future.

I was ready to hear anything.

Stop me if you heard this one before.

The first and most important answer I got, was from God himself..

As I have wrote about many times already, that lead to my REawakening and my work on becoming the best that I can be.

To earn the title of Lord.

Not being the Lord over others. 

Something even greater.

Being the Lord over myself.

That we all know of already in detail.

(In many previous blogs, but most of all

In REawakening Pt.1 and Pt. 2) 

But there was another answer sometime later..

This one I could not tell who or what it was from.

God? The devil? Spirits? The Universe?…. 

Maybe it wasn’t external at all.

Maybe this time.. 

It was from within me. 

From within my soul.

But what I did know.. Was what it was telling me. 

Instead of telling me about my future. 

They were telling me about my past and my present most of all. 

You see…

I have always had this strange feeling.

But I could never think of a word for it before, I can only describe it..

It felt like I..

Yearned for more.

Lusted for more.

Thirsted for more

Hungered for more.

I wanted more.

I NEEDED MORE.

What do you call that? 

I could not think of it.

Until I got my answers..

Just as God told me “Lord” was my title to focus on becoming. 

This force within me gave me a title as well.

The word I was searching for my entire life.

I had at long last found the word to describe this strange feeling I felt.

The perfect word to describe it all..

INSATIABLE.

…

I finally had a word for it.

For what I have felt all my life.

From what I have always been. 

Some would call it a curse.

Others a blessing.

Perhaps… It is both.

Or maybe its neither. 

But regardless.

I was still trying to figure out what it all means.

What it means for me. 

For so long.. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. 

Why I had this part of me that felt so off. 

Felt unsatisfied.

Felt empty.

This painful festering hole.

I didn’t realize… How do you get rid of a hole?

You fill it in.

More and more, endlessly. 

Until it overflows… With pleasure. 

But unfortunately, its not that easy.

All my life..

I had been surrounded by so many who did not understand.

By those who held me back.

By those that told me to “STOP”. 

By those that tried to control me.

I did what they wanted.. 

Not what I wanted.

I could not feast.. Because nobody would let me. 

AND I STARVED. 

Not my body.

But my SOUL. 

I was born into a world.

That wants to see you starve.

That wants to feed you only crumbs.

So that you can only exist.

And you better be HAPPY with that.

To hunger forever.

And never be full.

Never satisfied. 

I never asked to be born.

I never wanted to just exist.

If I had to be here.. I wanted to LIVE. 

And if I cant live the life I want to live, then what is the point of existing?

Now I know why. 

…

I recently read a humerus but interesting quote from a movie, and it resonated with me deeply.

The quote is:

“Enough is a Myth”

I pondered that quote for a while, and I realized its true..

There is no such thing as enough.

Thats not just my curse/blessing, but all of humanity’s..

I had even asked myself..

When is it enough?

And I answered.

IT IS NEVER ENOUGH. 

On the contrary.

I want to feast until my serotonin and dopamine receptors run dry.

I want the pleasure to consume me, until I lose myself in ecstasy. 

I want to see all the wonders of the world, and taste their delicacy’s.

I want to see all my loved ones smile in happiness, and know that they too know joy. So that I may feel what they feel and vice verse. 

I want all of it.. Because it feels GOOD. 

Because I have felt pain, suffering, anguish, anxiety, and other dark feelings… Even more.

What do they all have in common?

They are the antithesis of pleasure.

To me, they are the worst evil imaginable.

If God was pleasure, then those dark feelings are Satan. 

When all you feel is the opposite of pleasure. 

Even death is better.

For so long, thats what I felt.. That emptiness.

That hallow hole from before..

It tortured me, it still does honestly. 

But at least I finally know, where part of it is from now.. 

It is from not living a life of pleasure. 

Its from not being who I really am. 

Its from not being ME. 

And most of all..

From a lifetime of searching for a thing that doesn’t exist.

Happiness.

The biggest lie ever told.

And I fell for it like a fool. 

A naive damned fool..

When the truth was right there in front of my face the entire damn time.

Happiness never existed.

Happiness is a completely alien concept to me.

I have never met a truly happy person in my entire life. And I know allot of people..

At first it disturbed me, crushed me.. To learn it doesn’t exist.

But then I realized.. Who cares that it doesn’t exist? 

Maybe thats a good thing, maybe I never needed it all along.. 

I don’t need to feel happy.

Do you know what I need now?

I need to feel good.

At long last.

Finally I have seen the truth and the light.

Finally I can stop chasing after an empty lie.

Finally one might say… I AM HAPPY HAH! 

Now I can search for something that actually exists… 

Something FAR greater.

Pleasure. 

I know it exists, because I have tasted its sweet honey many times. 

While very rarely.

I have tasted pleasures beyond all measure..

And next time, I’ll do allot more then just tasting. Heh.

Next time I’m going to savor it. 

Oh yes..

Once I shed my weakness, and endure the suffering I inevitably have to feel..

One day.

I will feast, splurge, devour, and bathe in the excretions of emptied out neurotransmitters..

If it brings me pleasure, I want it. 

I NEED IT. 

And I need it to mean something. 

But I don’t want this just for me, if there is one thing I am not.. Its selfish.

I want you, dear reader to also know pleasure.

I want all of humanity to unite, to meet in the land of milk and honey.. And swim in its river for all eternity.

We have all been told by charlatans that we are not meant to feel pleasure, to DENY pleasure.. Because we are meant to suffer in this world.

But I know God made us for more then just that, I felt it.. He made us in his image, he made us..

To feel pleasure. 

THE WHOLE POINT OF HEAVEN IS EVERLASTING PLEASURE, JOY, AND HARMONY. 

Why wouldn’t our Lord want us to feel that here as well? 

We lost the Garden Of Eden once. 

We HAD a paradise of pleasure once.

Maybe he wants us to realize.. 

We can have it again. 

We can have it ALL again.

And then all of humanity and I.. Can once again feast at the table of life and its joys. 

They say misery loves company.

And it does.

But I say, pleasure love’s company even MORE.

…

Hedonism 

I am her slave.

I am her prophet.

I am her LORD.

We were born in this Universe.

To feel all that it had to offer. 

But the greatest feeling of all.

Is the feeling that makes you want more.

The feeling that you can never have enough of.

The feeling that makes you go insane without it.

It is what all hedons are INSATIABLE for, now and forever.

And that feeling.

Is pleasure and ecstasy.

…

Pain.

Sadness.

Rage.

Hate.

Hallowness.

Nothingness.

Let me remind you again..

They are all things I have felt in abundance. 

I let this cursed world inflict this on me.. Time and time again.

Because I was soft hearted and weak.

I was starving to death inside.

Living off of crumbs, picked up by a left hand of darkness.

My mind and my soul withered into an emaciated empty shell.

When I should have feasted, worst of all.

I held back my true self..

Because I was a fool. 

I was so ashamed to admit.

It was all my fault.

I can still hear those thoughts now.

I deserved to starve.

I deserved to die. 

I deserved to be nothing. 

Less than nothing.

Heh.

Maybe.

But you only deserve what you get.

And I wasn’t dead yet.

I wasn’t nothing yet.

So that means..

God still has a plan for me.

Maybe I felt a lifetime of misery.

Because I’m going to feel infinitely more pleasure and joy in return. Sounds familiar..

I need just search for it.

Hunger for it.

Thirst for it.

Lust for it.

Feel for it.

Taste for it.

THIS TIME.

When I find it, with my right hand of mercy.. I will never let it go. 

Those who prevent or do not want to see me indulge in all the pleasures this life has to offer, they are my enemies.

But those who wish to see me or help me howl with pleasure and satisfaction, they are my saviors.

What both revelations revealed to me, is the one thing they have in common.

The cost. I must surrender myself.

To earn the title of LORD and INSATIABLE. 

To become my true self. 

I give up… Being what I once was. 

Alive but dead inside.

A living zombie.

A hallow starving shell. 

I’m not him.

I can’t be.

Not anymore.

I will be someone new, someone better.

Someone satisfied. 

Its all going to take time and effort, I know that for a fact. 

I give in to being the Lord of feasting and pleasure.

I give in to being who I was truly meant to be.

I need to at long last stop denying my true nature, and fully embrace who and what I am.

And what I am..

Is truly.

Utterly.

Hopelessly.

And deliciously.

INSATIABLE.