66. A Lifetime Of Love

 

I still remember when you first walked through the door.

We were in preschool, and it was our first day of school. 

Brand new to this world.. Babies taking our first step ever into childhood.

But it was that first step you took into class, that was the birth of a new feeling within me.. Something I never thought possible. 

Little did I know..

You would be my first and only ever crush. 

And so much more.

Though I couldn’t at the time articulate or put into words the thoughts and feelings that were rushing through me. 

It would be through out the years, that I could develop the feelings I had for you. 

Regardless if it was naptime in preschool.

Finger painting in kindergarten.

Spelling tests in first grade.

Movie time in second grade.

Class presentations in third grade.

Dance class in fourth grade.

School performances in fifth grade. 

P.E. in sixth grade.

Detention in seventh grade.

Science fair in eighth grade.

And more…

You were there.

In every single class.

Every year I witnessed first hand the beautiful radiant young woman you were becoming.. 

No longer were we babies or children, but teenagers. 

I also saw how you changed and developed over the years.. The many fashion styles you had, the loser boyfriends you had..  

I wasn’t a fan of that part. Not. One. Bit.

For years I watched from a distance, always afraid to make any move.. I just couldn’t, I did not have the confidence. I had low self-esteem. 

Maybe I knew I wasn’t worthy.. 

Nobody was worthy of your love.

Not even me. 

Especially me. 

I didn’t deserve you..

Thats why I was too weak to do anything about it. 

So weak.

I can only watch, and see the object of my desire mere feet away from me at a different desk.. But it felt like you were a million miles away from me at the same time… You might as well been.

But there were those times, where our gazes would meet.. Where our eyes locked for a second or two.. Once, I swear to God you smiled at me. At ME. 

There was a short moment.. It was in middle school. Where you were told to collect our classwork, and you were approaching me.

You said my name out loud from the class list, and reached out for my classwork.. I said hello, and here you go. You smiled at me again and said thank you.

Your hand brushed up against mine as you grabbed the paper, it was so warm..

And in that moment, the cosmos was set right within me. It was written in the stars that my love for you could never be tamed, maybe deep inside.. You felt the same. 

Maybe it was my delusion, love drunk and overthinking a very small “meaningless” action.. In all honesty, I probably was..

But I didn’t care, that small occasion.. Meant more to me than anything in the world. 

It was priceless to me. 

…

After Middle School ended, we entered High school.

Still we had all the same classes.

It was as if fate or the universe itself.. Wanted us to be together, we couldn’t be apart if we tried. Not that I would ever dream of it. 

We would be together during algebra class in ninth grade.

Sex education class in tenth grade.(Oh God)

Winter formal or prom in eleventh grade, you went with some other guy at the time.. 

And finally Graduation in twelfth grade.  

My God.. You were finally a full fledged woman. I had truly witnessed your entire life into adulthood… And you were gorgeous beyond comprehension. 

I remember when we graduated, we had our caps and gowns.. You were a mere row away. I couldn’t believe it, we had finally finished this.. Together. 

But then it dawned on me..

This is the end of the line for us.

After this, we would have to go our separate ways as adults now and leave the school. 

No…

Damnit..

The realization was heartbreaking. 

This was it… The end, the end of us. 

It was a cold reality I couldn’t accept, but I had no choice.

It was good bye, this graduation ceremony.. Would our last time together. 

As we collected our diplomas, and started to head home.. I took one last glance at her.

After twelve years of looking at her from afar.. I really had to take in my last chance to do it. 

To take in the majesty and light of her aura. To see her smile one last time.. As she takes pictures with a variety of people. 

I contemplate going up to her and talking to her.. This would be my last chance.

It’s now or NEVER.

But no.

I can’t. 

I just..

…

I turn away to leave with my family, finally accepting this reality.. 

It’s time to go.

I’m sorry.. Goodbye my love.

I guess I truly wasn’t worthy of you…

You deserve better. 

But you will always have a place in my heart.

Always. 

…

…

…

It’s three months later.

I’m starting my first day of college class.

It’s only been a couple of months, but its felt like ages since high school.. Since I seen her. 

But I must move on, I have too.. It’s all I can do. 

I enter the class, it’s a history class and I take my seat.

Other people are starting to enter, the professor walks in, and it’s time to start the class.

But just as the last student walks in. 

The door opens, and in walks..

No way.. 

It can’t be..

ITS HER.

She walks in at that last minute! She looks incredible as ever!

Just as she had twelve plus years ago in preschool!  

She catches me off guard and melts my heart! I feel like that child again, I feel those feelings that I could never fathom or put into words. 

I feel the love within being REAWAKENED. 

I feel whole again.

She enters the class, apologizes to the teacher for being late and takes a seat two rows away. 

The universal destiny refuses to let us be apart. This was meant to be.

We were meant to be.

I cannot deny it anymore. 

Fuck this.

I’m done being a coward. 

I’m done just watching from afar. 

I’m done not having you.

I decide right here and now, I’m going to make my move. 

Just need to know when it is the right moment..

Class goes on, we get our syllabus, notes, and the class concludes. 

As everyone starts leaving, I start packing my stuff..

Then I feel a finger tap my shoulder..

I turn around AND ITS HER.

My heart shoots up to my throat and I swear I almost passed out from light headedness.

She says excuse me, and thats she recognizes me from our former high school and how cool that we have the same class! I’m speechless and can barely get a word out, but I smile and agree. 

 

She then asks for my number, and thats maybe we can get coffee and help each other with the notes and homework. 

I say OF COURSE I would be happy too! I fumble to get my phone out, I awkwardly get it out and accidentally drop my stuff(Oh my God I’m an idiot), but I finally get it out and we exchange numbers.. 

She tells me thank you, that we will talk on the phone later, and she walks off.. 

But before she walks out the door, she turns around and says to me..

“You know.. I always noticed you looking at me all those years. I waiting so long for you to finally talk to me.. That when I saw you today, I decided I couldn’t wait anymore.. Talk to you later.” 

And she walks out the door.

I stand there in silence.

Staring at the doorway.

All my notes littering the floor.

I think I’m going to pass out. 

I cannot believe what has just happened. 

I smile from ear to ear.

Finally.

After over twelve long years.. 

I finally have my chance to be with her. 

And it was her that chose that right moment. 

I was such a fool to wait, if only I had been stronger.

But the past doesn’t matter anymore. 

We have another chance now. 

It was like the cosmos was being set right again, just as it had years ago.

The stars, planets, and constellations were aligned.. Just for us to be together. 

I realized it at long last.. 

Now and only now, are we truly made whole. 

…

I gather all my things, head to my next classes, and finish my school day.

I go home, get settled, and stare at my phone for what seemed like a thousand years. 

Just waiting for her call.

How long should I wait?

Will she even call?

Should I just call her?

I don’t want to seem annoying though! 

What if that weirds her out or something?!

Or maybe shes getting frustrated waiting for me to make the call!? 

Damnit.. I don’t know what to do! 

*RING RING RING*

SHES CALLING ME! 

I knew she would come through..

At long last..

After so long.

We will finally be together. 

You see.. 

You weren’t just my love interest.

You were my best friend.

And you didn’t even know it.

Or did you…?

Maybe you knew it all.

You were always there, you never left me.

And I never left you.

We were there for each other at the very beginning.

I thought it ended after high school..

But I know now there is no end for us.

We will never end.

My love.

My everything. 

After a lifetime of love. 

We are only just beginning.

*CLICK*

.

Helena.